Where're ya headin'? - The polls. - Phat! What're ya goin' as?

Since it's been voting time, I think it's also time for a short summary on the candidates. I'm going to present all those little facts we learnt from their ads and all there's been in the media about them.
...and in order to spice it up a bit, I'll pepper it with a few assumptions.
Alright, here we go:


Dr. Heinz Fischer:
Dislikes: Confrontations
Likes: Values

That's about it...

...well, to be true, there actually are a few further things we learnt. For example, that he'd be a more adequate ice-cream man rather than a politician. And, that the woman he's married to has more of what it takes to be a president. Maybe she's his advisor or in fact holds the office from the back seat. If so, her most likely given advice to just keep his trap shut sure is a terrific choice.

Slogan recommendation: Respect to the man in the ice-cream van.



Barbara Rosenkranz:
Dislikes: Foreigners, questions about the history of Austria, facts
Likes: Children, Heinz-Christian Strache, being reduced

When being asked for her qualities, nearly everyone only mentioned that Rosenkranz is a good mother and has raised twelve children. No one ever explained how that qualifies someone to be the president of Austria.
Apart from that, Barbaria popularized herself with denying the holocaust (revoking those statements notarially at the behest of Kronenzeitung-man Mr. Dichand - the media however weren't allowed to ask any questions on this matter), ranting against foreigners and not being supported by Strache, the head of the her beloved freedom party.
They even had separate placards made. I guess this was because Strache isn't very fond of her leaving the kitchen sink. After all, women have absolutely no business dealing with politics, do they?

Slogan recommendation: Whatever your ideals are - I represent them.



Dr. Rudolf Gehring:
Dislikes: Homosexuals, emancipated women, other religions than Catholicism, permissiveness, abortion, premarital intercourse, public attention on ecclesiastic pedophilia
Likes: God, himself (probably seen as the same in his point of view)

Homosexuality is of course a disease, abortion one of the most severe crimes there are and women inferiors who want nothing more than being housewifes and mothers; and nothing else. How does he know that? The first two 'facts' are obvious, plus god tells him every day. The third one is part of his experience of life - because he's a father.
Got it? No? Doesn't sound that logical to you? Than you must be homosexual and your disease has already devastated too many of your brain cells. Or you're one of those sinners being that stoopid to believe in something else than the one and only god.

I mean: WTFF? I'd ROFLMAOPIMPTIMECOPTER if all that wouldn't be so depressing.

Slogan recommendation: Gift me thy vote for I be thy god.



Fischer won btw. I guess there's still a bit sanity left.
...no, joking aside - I find it more likely that the average Austrian has been impressed enough by the ice-cream. Me vote for Heinzi 'coz he do me yum-yums.




[Thanks to E*phi for those marvelous illustrations. Sorry for being an impertinent wazoo and manipulating them in such a rude way.]

Austria's over the top!

E*PHI=LOG:'s E*PHI actually confronted US (not the 'US' as in 'USA'; to be beared in your little mind all of se time) with the Over The Top Award (as in, well... pretty good actually). Isn't that like... fascinating?
I'd like to seize this opportunity in order to have myself a little speech. Lateron, I'll choose my five OTT-candidates and maybe answer those 35 questions one has to when being honored with this award.
But, let's not beat about the bush too much:


I'm actually very proud of us all for not being more of a disappointment. We have committed ourselves to certain standards we never ever corrupted or fell below. Quite the contrary, we are able to look back on a history we are well-known for in the whole world. Austria's not only 'Don't you mean Australia?' or 'Ah, the sound of music! Walking with my Lederhosen!' anymore. Finally, it's considered as a self-contained country.
We gathered hell of a popularity for two World Wars, one of the most citated politicians, holocaust, xenophobia, the special and approved Basemental Way Of Raising Children® as well as our rapist-friendly environment and non-prosecution of pedophilia.
We still believe that non-Austrians, especially those looking and/or speaking funny, are inferior to our Aryan race, women belong to and therefore have to serve men (and mankind, which means that their bodies don't belong to themselves but to society) and homosexuality is a disease we need to erase. Not to forget that thingie lesbians got - thank you Mr. Gehring for highlighting that in your perpetual thoughtfulness.

In order to celebrate our high standards, we chose appropriate candidates in order to run for Federal Presidency:

• A holocaust-denying, walking womb that 'has nothing against foreigners but doesn't want them in our beloved country' and with the only qualification of having raised twelve children (?)
  
• A self-declared voice of god that respects the separation of church and state but feels that the first one ought to be in charge of the second one a little bit more (??), wants to absolutely criminalize abortion because it's murder and women shouldn't be able to decide on their own bodies, thinks that abnormalities like homosexuality have to be exterminated and knows what a mother wants because it's a father itself (???)
• A... well... politician I guess who hears nothing, sees nothing, speaks nothing... sleeping time for baboons.

Glorious times, they keep on coming. Some folks in fact thought that an office like presidency should be held with an amount of seriousness. You live and learn.
So, last but not least I wanna thank my mommy and my daddy for being such bad role models and having me scared off the idea of ever letting them and their typically austrian perspectives rub off on me.
[Now visualize me waving my imaginary award into the camera while flashlight everywhere and euphoria and tears of joy and slipping dress and exposed nipple and scandal and brouhaha and that's it, thanks everyone]


Now to my five favs:

1. E*PHI of E*PHI=LOG: for just being awesome, adorable, talented in a thousand different aspects, the probably most wonderful person there is and 'brightening an otherwise crumbling place' (Happy Child, Tweaker)
2. Ms. Messing of Backseat Betty for not only rocking mine, but the whole world of feminism and blogging.
3. All the peeps at Kommunikationsguerilla for tracking nearly everything worth knowing with the necessary amount of criticism.
4. Mr. Moser of Standpunkte for connecting arts and politics in a way we all profit from.
5. Ulf from IHaveSynth for always providing me with the hottest news on the world of electronic music.

As a last step, there is still this list of 35 questions to be answered - each of them with only a single word. Since I'm accepting this award representing Austria, I'll also do that answering-thing for our homeland.

1. Where is your cell phone? Omnipresent
2. Your hair? Shaven
3. Your mother? Theresa
4. Your father? Renner
5. Your favorite food? Meat
6. Your dream last night? Omnipotence
7. Your favorite drink? Beer
8. Your dream/goal? Purity
9. What room are you in? Narrow
10. Your hobby? Fencing
11. Your fear? Strangers
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Empire
13. Where were you last night? Disadvantage
14. Something that you aren’t? Rational
15. Muffins? External
16. Wish list item? World
17. Where did you grow up? Europe
18. Last thing you did? Ostracize
19. What are you wearing? Stripes
20. Your TV? God
21. Your pets? Strangers
22. Friends? Pardon?
23. Your life? Struggle
24. Your mood? Petting
25. Missing someone? No
26. Vehicle? Yes
27. Something you’re not wearing? Burqa
28. Your favorite store? Hofer
29. Your favorite color? Brown
30. When was the last time you laughed? 1943
31. Last time you cried? Today
32. Your best friend? Gaudi-Nagy
33. One place that you go to over and over? Right
34. Facebook? Drool
35. Favorite place to eat? Wartburg

Good terrorist, bad terrorist

I don't want to sound repetitive, but I will.
It's kinda necessary I think. Only if something is repeated over and over, one finally starts keeping the subject in their mind or even thinking about it.

The only separation from politics still working better than that of religion is the separation of politics and women. Still, there is this wide-spread philosophy of females not being capable of doing anything besides housework - therefore, they have to be kept out of public affairs as effectively as possible.
But how does this work when it comes to political activism or even terrorism?
Quite simple. First, you deny them humaneness naming them by animals not being favored by many people. Spiders always lend themselves to such matters. That's because animals are driven by their instincts and don't follow any higher aims not to mention political ones.
As a next step, you replace all the precedent conflicts, issues and therefore "reasons" by the simple desire for revenge. Another helpful tool is comparing this 'product' with incidents by male terrorists, explaining their motives respectively those motives being absolutely missing in the attacks of the female ones.

Et voilà, soup is served. You'll never have to justify any of your actions that could have led to more of that kind. Bravo!