2010-03-21

Politicians rule.

As already mentioned in a previous post, I'll teach you how to become a well-respected and successfull person in Austria in order to be able to really enjoy your life here.
This aim can easily be achieved by pursueing a political career. Most politicians allege that prospering is a very complicated and difficult matter but I beg to differ. They only say so because they're afraid you could take their position.

All you have to do is follow a simple but strict plan:
First, learn Deutsch. Then meet the demands listed here. Are those hurdles cleared, all you have to do is have a member of your party say something racist to the public media.
In case you're lacking creativity, here're a few examples one was able to catch lately:
  • "In todays perception, Mohammed is nothing but a child molester." (S. Winter)
  • "In Austria, we don't have any problem concerning foreigners. We only got problems with Turks and islamists."(H.-C. Strache)
  • "We need to graze sheep in the parks in order for the Muslims to be able to act out their bestiality on them instead of raping our women." (M. Winter)

This may cause a lawsuit for your party member but it's worth it since you've got Die Krone supporting you and praising you at least like a demigod.
Alternatively (or additionally), your fellow can also deny the holocaust. This will draw a whole load of attention at your party. You won't let any grass grow under your feet in the meantime and publish a few rapsongs as well as comics on the viciousness of the EU and all those foreign countries who only want to exploit your country and steal all your clear, fresh water. Don't forget to add some ob-scenes, you and one of your party members both need to copulate at least once in each comic in order to be seen as cool and in demand - and, of course all foreigners respectively the EU needs to be shown as disreputed, ugly animals.
Since you've abstracted all the right-wings up to now, the next step is to convince all those in the middle. Forget the left-wings, they're stoopid, precious few and uninteresting. Just trust Die Krone; when supported by Mr. Dichand, he will tell you what actions are to be taken in order to ascend further and further. All the politicians in Austria align themselves towards him.
Your colleague and you have to certify notarially (and halfheartedly) that you don't deny the holocaust and distance yourself from any national socialist thoughts. The right-wings'll believe (or know, depending on the situation) you're one of them because of foregoing statements, the rest of course is naïve enough to act on the assumption you're quite nice but misunderstood.

This process is to be repeated over and over again until you've got the dictatorship or Pornocracy or whatever you want.

Somehow sad, isn't it?
Unfortunately, questioning the system or politics is far too uncomfortable - plus risky of course, since we know by the previous post that freedom of opinion isn't what it was anymore.

Well, whatever... good luck being popular or so.

2 comments:

  1. Hilarious. And, quite sadly, not as hyperbolic as one would believe or rather wish it was.
    However, I'm not quite sure if (even in good old Austria) being a politician would make you popular in the sense of beloved...
    Oh, yeah, and you forgot to mention you could also run for presidency with these qualifications met! (Maybe just add that you'd like to abolish the Prohibition Act).
    Btw: I really enjoy your illustrations (since I can finally see them now).

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  2. Did you ever experience how StraChé or especially drunkard's great Idol Haider are glorified?
    Hell yeah does being a (right-wing) politician make you a national hero.

    Speaking of illustrations: I'm absolutely delighted someone likes them. Especially if that someone produces damn beautiful and hilarious illustrations themself.

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