Where're ya headin'? - The polls. - Phat! What're ya goin' as?

Since it's been voting time, I think it's also time for a short summary on the candidates. I'm going to present all those little facts we learnt from their ads and all there's been in the media about them.
...and in order to spice it up a bit, I'll pepper it with a few assumptions.
Alright, here we go:


Dr. Heinz Fischer:
Dislikes: Confrontations
Likes: Values

That's about it...

...well, to be true, there actually are a few further things we learnt. For example, that he'd be a more adequate ice-cream man rather than a politician. And, that the woman he's married to has more of what it takes to be a president. Maybe she's his advisor or in fact holds the office from the back seat. If so, her most likely given advice to just keep his trap shut sure is a terrific choice.

Slogan recommendation: Respect to the man in the ice-cream van.



Barbara Rosenkranz:
Dislikes: Foreigners, questions about the history of Austria, facts
Likes: Children, Heinz-Christian Strache, being reduced

When being asked for her qualities, nearly everyone only mentioned that Rosenkranz is a good mother and has raised twelve children. No one ever explained how that qualifies someone to be the president of Austria.
Apart from that, Barbaria popularized herself with denying the holocaust (revoking those statements notarially at the behest of Kronenzeitung-man Mr. Dichand - the media however weren't allowed to ask any questions on this matter), ranting against foreigners and not being supported by Strache, the head of the her beloved freedom party.
They even had separate placards made. I guess this was because Strache isn't very fond of her leaving the kitchen sink. After all, women have absolutely no business dealing with politics, do they?

Slogan recommendation: Whatever your ideals are - I represent them.



Dr. Rudolf Gehring:
Dislikes: Homosexuals, emancipated women, other religions than Catholicism, permissiveness, abortion, premarital intercourse, public attention on ecclesiastic pedophilia
Likes: God, himself (probably seen as the same in his point of view)

Homosexuality is of course a disease, abortion one of the most severe crimes there are and women inferiors who want nothing more than being housewifes and mothers; and nothing else. How does he know that? The first two 'facts' are obvious, plus god tells him every day. The third one is part of his experience of life - because he's a father.
Got it? No? Doesn't sound that logical to you? Than you must be homosexual and your disease has already devastated too many of your brain cells. Or you're one of those sinners being that stoopid to believe in something else than the one and only god.

I mean: WTFF? I'd ROFLMAOPIMPTIMECOPTER if all that wouldn't be so depressing.

Slogan recommendation: Gift me thy vote for I be thy god.



Fischer won btw. I guess there's still a bit sanity left.
...no, joking aside - I find it more likely that the average Austrian has been impressed enough by the ice-cream. Me vote for Heinzi 'coz he do me yum-yums.




[Thanks to E*phi for those marvelous illustrations. Sorry for being an impertinent wazoo and manipulating them in such a rude way.]