Attaboy, tried to think, ain't he cute?

It's been a while, but now I'm back in Austria for a bit of time. What better way to celebrate than by writing a new post.

Austrians lack a good sense of humour, but I guess that's no news to anyone. All in all, their only funny moments are when they try to say something smart.
The frequency of such attempts increases dramatically in times of disturbing newscasts - and that's when the pathetic jocularity of philosophizing Austrians turns into pure agony.

Since media decided to actually cover those omnipresent occurrences of rape, people start to occupy themselves with this topic - and the outcome's mostly of depressing nature.
Someone brings up the issue of another girl having been raped and the reactions are still the same as they might have been half an eternity ago.
'She's probably provoked/asked for it'
'I don't think she has actually been raped'
'People overreact. If there'd really be that many rapes that'd mean that most men are rapists. Humans aren't that bad'

Uh-huh... I find it quite a bit interesting that there're still people out there believing in the good nature of humanity.
But let's think about it for a minute...
Fear is one of the most natural feelings we got, it's sometimes essential for our survival. As children, we don't know yet what to be afraid of in life so we make up monsters waiting in the dark, under our bed, in our wardrobe, to grab us and do horrible things to us, though we haven't got a clue what those things could be.
As we turn older, we find out that those monsters we're afraid of are actually all the people surrounding us. Relatives, our parent's friends, neighbours, they all could suddenly be the creatures we're so scared of.

When we need to go outside, to perambulate a dark forest, an unlit street, a parking garage or a narrow, secluded corridor, we don't fear any animal, virus or alien jumping 'round the corner in order to attack us. It's always humans we're afraid of.

In the newspaper, you'll hardly read about anything else killing, hurting, raping or whatevering humans than...?
Right. Humans.
So why always defend them? Because we're frightened of admitting that we belong to the most fucked-up, cruel and unscrupulous species of predators there is?
Oh, and why always defend the culprit? Because our minds are still stuck in the oh so holy bible, stating that women are to blame, like it was the case with Eva or the whore of babylon, for example?
I don't get you people.

And one other thing that bothers me like hell is that even those who don't go with the 'the victim's to blame'-theory consider these issues just as short-sightedly.
I came to overhear a guy suggesting to castrate all the sex offenders, that'd sort out this problem.
It was really hard for me to not tell him he should go to his son and cut off his balls this very instant.

As much as I myself would support lynch law for rapists, this is a thing that'll never be able to happen. Not with our laws, not with our politicians, not with that kind of people predominating the world, the kind of people being convinced that women are inferior and belong to men, that people aren't that bad and that everyone they know and like is a saint and could never do anything like that.
It'll take another ten thousand years until legislative authorities finally grow the idea of prosecuting sexual crimes in an adequate, serious way... if they ever will.

Cohabitation rules the nation

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Trust us, we're politicians!

Somehow, our brown politicians manage to take the cake every time they just do anything.
I was just wondering about the new placards of the freedom party ("More bravery for our viennese blood | too much foreignness isn't good for anyone") when I stumpled upon an election rally by the BZOe, maybe best translated as the 'future league' to have the heroism incorporated they claim themselves with.

Shortly before I read about those BZOe-guys trying to keep Austria Austrian by avoiding anglicisms. So, if you're planning to commence a career in the BZOe you better start learning German the way it can't be found in any language course.
Get a BZOe-Brieffreund or send Mr. Grosz some nice E-Post (I'm sure he's got a Persönlicher Rechner, Oberschenkeloberseite or at least a Netzbuch (and a Gesichtsbuchseite additionally to his Heimseite) even though those and especially the Zwischennetz, connecting us to all those evil foreigners out there, are pure work of the peregrine devil). Compliment his Wahlebene and those likeable Werbesubjekte as well as Stadtlichter, tell him he's got a lovely Gesichtserker or whatever comes to your mind. He's definately gonna be thrilled about new friends since his last one (with whom he still campaigns for himself - "true friends won't ever be forgotten"; especially if they're unbelievably corrupt) served perfectly as the role model he was told to be and got himself killed by speeding drunk.

Actually, I tried to stay a bit in order to see what they state to be standing for. Surprised is way understated for the feelings that overcame me.
Main topic seemed to be that our banks lose incredible amounts of money in speculation and corruption. So far so good, where's the news?
The news were actually that the BZOe promises to have the banks supervised by politics in order to prevent our money from leaving to a private account in Liechtenstein as soon as they have a say.

I found this kind of interesting. Let's recapitulate:
Back 2004 Buwog, a formerly nationalized estate agent, got sold by finance minister KH Grasser, member of the freedom party from which the BZOe got split off. Nearly all of the payments were done in a concealed manner and with the help of a letterbox company based in Cyprus. Receivers of those payments are innumerable, but all of them friends of Grasser - amongst them also Joerg Haider, founder of the BZOe and the drunken driver I wrote about just before, who died 2008 in a car accident. Back then, he advertised himself on placards with the words "He never lied to you!".
Hypo-Alpe-Adria, a corinthian bank, was sold to the Bavarian Land Bank in 2007. This time, the letterbox company was situated in Liechtenstein, but again the sale had been arranged by Grasser and vast amounts went to Haider.
In the meantime investigations came to the result that Mr. Haider had access to twelve different letterbox companies in Liechtenstein storing about 45 million Euros. Nobody knows exactly where this money came from. Sure thing the BZOe is involved quite well.

So, let's return to our former topic: The BZOe supervising Austrian banks and controlling money transfers? Is this really, really, and I mean in point of fact, effectively, actually and really really really considered a good idea?
I'd think of that a second time. The crowd didn't, they were all applauding and enthusiastic about those plans.

Where're ya headin'? - The polls. - Phat! What're ya goin' as?

Since it's been voting time, I think it's also time for a short summary on the candidates. I'm going to present all those little facts we learnt from their ads and all there's been in the media about them.
...and in order to spice it up a bit, I'll pepper it with a few assumptions.
Alright, here we go:


Dr. Heinz Fischer:
Dislikes: Confrontations
Likes: Values

That's about it...

...well, to be true, there actually are a few further things we learnt. For example, that he'd be a more adequate ice-cream man rather than a politician. And, that the woman he's married to has more of what it takes to be a president. Maybe she's his advisor or in fact holds the office from the back seat. If so, her most likely given advice to just keep his trap shut sure is a terrific choice.

Slogan recommendation: Respect to the man in the ice-cream van.



Barbara Rosenkranz:
Dislikes: Foreigners, questions about the history of Austria, facts
Likes: Children, Heinz-Christian Strache, being reduced

When being asked for her qualities, nearly everyone only mentioned that Rosenkranz is a good mother and has raised twelve children. No one ever explained how that qualifies someone to be the president of Austria.
Apart from that, Barbaria popularized herself with denying the holocaust (revoking those statements notarially at the behest of Kronenzeitung-man Mr. Dichand - the media however weren't allowed to ask any questions on this matter), ranting against foreigners and not being supported by Strache, the head of the her beloved freedom party.
They even had separate placards made. I guess this was because Strache isn't very fond of her leaving the kitchen sink. After all, women have absolutely no business dealing with politics, do they?

Slogan recommendation: Whatever your ideals are - I represent them.



Dr. Rudolf Gehring:
Dislikes: Homosexuals, emancipated women, other religions than Catholicism, permissiveness, abortion, premarital intercourse, public attention on ecclesiastic pedophilia
Likes: God, himself (probably seen as the same in his point of view)

Homosexuality is of course a disease, abortion one of the most severe crimes there are and women inferiors who want nothing more than being housewifes and mothers; and nothing else. How does he know that? The first two 'facts' are obvious, plus god tells him every day. The third one is part of his experience of life - because he's a father.
Got it? No? Doesn't sound that logical to you? Than you must be homosexual and your disease has already devastated too many of your brain cells. Or you're one of those sinners being that stoopid to believe in something else than the one and only god.

I mean: WTFF? I'd ROFLMAOPIMPTIMECOPTER if all that wouldn't be so depressing.

Slogan recommendation: Gift me thy vote for I be thy god.



Fischer won btw. I guess there's still a bit sanity left.
...no, joking aside - I find it more likely that the average Austrian has been impressed enough by the ice-cream. Me vote for Heinzi 'coz he do me yum-yums.




[Thanks to E*phi for those marvelous illustrations. Sorry for being an impertinent wazoo and manipulating them in such a rude way.]